![]() And if you should know anything about me, it would be my love of organisation, and having a good list is definitely a great tool to have. There are lots of ways around this, but I always recommend that those new to BDSM spend some time exploring themselves before seeking partners, whether simply play partners or otherwise.Ī good way to go about this is with a yes/no/maybe list. I mentioned in my book that thinking about what you want from this lifestyle before diving into it, is high on my list of importance, because these things can be tricky when you’re first starting out in this lifestyle. Oftentimes, a yes/no/maybe process can also enlighten where your needs have shifted over time and allow you to step further into your sexual power.A lot of people have a level of discomfort or awkwardness when expressing their sexual needs, desires and boundaries. They give you an opportunity to assess whether your needs are being met and your boundaries are being respected. Yes/no/maybe worksheets are a great resource for a regular check-in about where your desires and boundaries stand. ![]() In the same way you might go to a therapist to find support for your mental health or a doctor for a physical checkup, you can similarly create routines to nourish your sexual being. Where are there gaps and how might you work on filling them in? Does it mean seeking new partners or communicating with current ones about exploring different sexual acts together? They allow you to see your own growth over time. Ask yourself if your needs and desires are being met, and if not, what can be done to help satisfy you. It can be helpful to write a corresponding list of the kind of sex you’re currently having to see where this aligns with everything in the “yes” category. “ can help distinguish between what we want versus what we think we're supposed to want, which is often an obstacle in creating satisfying and pleasurable sex,” explains Kahn. That deserves the same attention you would give a partner. The longest and most important sexual relationship you will ever have is with yourself. While these lists are most often discussed in the context of partnered sex and enhancing consensual communication, I find them incredibly healing for individual practice as well. “It also creates space to understand the feelings as part of ourselves and part of our experiences, rather than all of ourselves.” They can be used in the context of your masturbation practice. If you struggle to communicate with partners, Jesse Kahn, LCSW, CST, and Director/Sex Therapist at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center, advises to first explore why you’re having trouble: Is it because of fear or shame? “When we get clear on the subtext and meaning informing our struggles, we can start understanding and talk to those parts of ourselves with love, compassion, and support,” says Kahn. Usually, the dissonance between the sex you’re having and the sex you crave is fear of rejection or deep-rooted sexual shame. For people who struggle to create boundaries, this worksheet can ease pressure as everyone is bound to have a list of hard no’s. It also creates more spaciousness for explicit and decisive no’s. This reduces the likelihood of influencing one another’s responses to mirror what it is you think your partner wants. When engaging in the yes/no/maybe worksheet with a partner, it’s important to take time individually filling out your categories before discussing them together. Having a fulfilled sex life doesn’t magically manifest - it takes intention and self-exploration to not only figure out what you desire but also how to communicate about those desires with your partners. They help start a healthy conversation about boundaries. Consent lies at the intersection of two (or more) people's mutual desires - yes/no/maybe lists can help you figure out what those are. Are you new to exploring BDSM? Try a kinky yes/no/maybe worksheet. Are you in a non-monogamous relationship? This list might suit your needs. Are you just starting to think about having partnered sex for the first time? This comprehensive list might be perfect for you. The beauty of making this type of list is that you can almost always find one tailored to your current needs. As a sex educator, this worksheet is one of my top recommendations for every person who is sexually active with themselves or others. It basically is exactly what it sounds like: Alongside an extensive list of sexual acts are three boxes where you categorize every act as either a yes, no, or maybe. ![]() A yes/no/maybe worksheet is a guide for exploring sexual desires and boundaries.
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